so this is the dilemma

I began life as a relatively healthy person   went to a lot of school   loved my work   had lots of friends  the superficial basics  

then illness came  and I dropped out of the loop   stopped working   a gut-wrenching decision  met thousands of doctors and medical personnel   spent several years housebound and sometimes bed bound  and watched my friends leave (when I could lift my head)  some quickly, some took a while  but they were gone   and so was my family   

but I was lucky  I got better  over time, with work  now I go out, use a wheelchair can dance and love and play and work   though limited  and I am joyful  for what I have

as an artist, I am abundant with the joy of creating    my gratitude for more simple things has become larger and larger  and knowing me (with whom I spent countless hours alone)  is simpler and satisfying

I miss friends very much    there are some that linger on the periphery of my life and no doubt love me as they say and I love them as I say  

but they are able-bodied and

it just doesn't seem to work   we rarely see each other and our lives are so different we struggle to connect

though I've met many wonderful disabled people (many since birth)  our life experience is so different   we struggle to work through that   

and I feel like I'm straddling two worlds   don' t  know where to go

  

a little less mystery

hopefully, for today  

yesterday's post seems mysterious to me  and that's not where I want to go

my (this particular) inner journey is about social isolation and loneliness,  which so many humans experience, but with particular challenges for the physically disabled

as I spent more than half my life as "able-bodied"  I feel caught between two worlds  way to simplistic  but a beginning to understanding 

this may not be the right blog space 

couldn't find much from or about people living with disabilities

there are some disability sites but then no connection to the "able-bodied"

so where to post?

perhaps my dilemma is right there

off to the hospital today for an ultrasound    you might think that a hospital is for people with illnesses     but no doubt I will be facing problems with getting through doors and onto tables and into the positions everyone will like    hopefully we can negotiate well  and get the job taken care of  without much stress

more tomorrow...

the journey begins

well not exactly begins   quite past the middle, actually   but it's your opportunity to jump on to this particularly rocky part    the rocks are tough on the wheels   and company makes for a smoother ride  or at least a more interesting one  

we won't (at least I won't) be talking much about vacation travel     this journey is more of the inner kind   the more challenging journey where so few dare to go 

until up against the wall with no windows

where you either stay or work it out  

this time i want to work it out